To Our Dear Sangha

This is “learn from our mistakes” month.

In Matsumoto-san’s teisho, he shares how he once had an image of what satori was and how he tried to attain it. It’s a mistake that almost all Zen practitioners make in the beginning.

I made the same mistake. This month’s newsletter is a bit long, but I hope that reading our mistakes will help shorten the time you make yours.

Announcements

Upcoming Online Zazenkai Schedule (Japan time):

Zazenkai with Matsumoto-san:
September 7 (Sun) 18:00-22:00
September 29 (Mon) 8:00-12:00

**Sunday times are generally more convenient for Europe, Africa, and Asia. Monday times are generally more convenient for N/S America and Oceania.

Private Sessions:
Private sessions are opportunities for you to ask any questions you have about Zen, zazen, Truth, etc. and receive guidance for your practice if you wish. It is like dokusan outside of scheduled zazenkai. Madoka interprets between English and Japanese if necessary. More information is available on our website.

Zazenkai with Madoka (Changing to Thursdays):
From the 2nd week of September, weekly zazenkai with Madoka will be on Thursdays (Japan time). Sep 3rd (Wed) will be as usual. Then Thursdays Sep 11th, 18th, and 25th.
Time: 9:00pm-10:00pm Japan time.  Anyone is welcome!

Zazenkai reservations can be made here:  
https://www.zen-online.info/reservations

Very Useful Time Converter to calculate zazenkai in your local time
https://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html

(Translated by Madoka)

When my zazen practice wasn’t truly zazen (a period of unnecessary mental effort)

I used to try various therapies and other methods to alleviate a certain type of anxiety. But it wouldn’t go away. Then one day, I thought the anxiety might be resolved if I could know Truth. As I started looking into ways to know Truth, I learned that it could be known through enlightenment. So to attain enlightenment, I tried various methods including different types of meditation, attending satsang, and techniques like keeping my attention focused on my movements. Each method created some kind of experience, but…how should I put it…something was off. It wasn’t what I was looking for. I ended up quitting them all. 

But I still wanted to investigate the nature of anxiety. As I looked into it, I understood that anxiety was nothing more than a thought (now, I understand anxiety to be a reaction of the brain and nervous system). But still, the anxiety did not disappear.

I tried meditation, introspection, and contemplation. I felt like I had done everything possible. Though I still wondered about Truth and satori, there were a few years when I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even go to bookstores because I thought I had read everything there was to read (this was before the internet). Then one day on a whim, I entered a bookstore anyway and randomly chose a book to skim. My eyes fell on the word, “pan!” (Japanese onomatopoeia for the sound of a clap of the hands). That moment was my first encounter with a book that pointed out what is real itself, as an actual fact. In other words, it was my first encounter with Inoue Gien Roshi, someone who could directly show what is real.

When I read, “pan!” I was certain that this would conclude my search for Truth. I bought the book and read it over and over. There were some parts I just could not understand, and I realized I had to speak directly to someone who was truly enlightened. The book said Gien Roshi had resided at Ryusenji Temple in Hamamatsu, so I called the temple and found out they had zazenkai there.

I went to my first zazenkai at Ryusenji a few months after I read this book. it was my first time to meet someone in person who had “forgotten the self” and was clear on Truth. That was Inoue Tetsugen Roshi, Gien Roshi’s oldest son. I asked Tetsugen Roshi, “Excuse me, are you enlightened?” He replied, “Yes.”

That was how I met a truly enlightened person for the first time. It was also the day I first met someone who could transmit authentic zazen, and my zazen practice began.

During that zazenkai, I also experienced my first live teishō (when a Zen master shows/conveys Truth to gathered students). Sometimes Tetsugen Roshi would clap, “pan!” to show what is actually real. I remembered Gien Roshi’s book and thought, “He’s doing the same thing!” I felt I had finally met a true master. I’d finally arrived and was deeply moved to be at the starting point of my practice.

During another teisho, Tetsugen Roshi told the story of “Polish a Tile to make a Mirror.” The story goes something like this:

There was a person called Nangaku Ejō.
He had a disciple called Baso Dōitsu, and Baso had been diligently practicing zazen for just over 10 years.
One day, Master Nangaku asked Baso a question.
“What are you trying to become by doing zazen?”
Baso answered, “A buddha.”
Upon hearing that, Master Nangaku picked up a clay roof tile that had fallen to the ground and started polishing it on a large rock.
Baso asked, “Master, what are you trying to do, polishing the tile?”
Nangaku answered, “By polishing this tile, I’m going to make a mirror.”
Baso was surprised and said, “But even if you polish a tile, it will not become a mirror!”
Master Nangaku replied, “Does doing zazen make you a buddha?”

When I heard this story, I was startled to realize I’d been doing the same thing as Baso. Having read so many books, I had developed an image of an enlightened state and I saw clearly how hard I’d been trying to attain that imagined state. Tears welled up.

I realized my efforts had been as fruitless as Baso’s. What was real—pan!—was being shown to me. And yet, I still strove to create “a good zazen state” so that I could then become able to maintain it. What state was I trying to create and maintain? A state where I could leave thoughts alone, where I could continue to be one with whatever was in front of me, a state where my thoughts didn’t continue to flow. I thought that becoming able to do zazen meant creating and maintaining such states. Because I had an ideal state I wanted to attain, when I thought I was leaving my thoughts alone, for example, I thought, “I did it!” But when I couldn’t leave thoughts alone, I thought, “I couldn't do it.” So I was repeatedly judging, “I did it.”  “I couldn’t do it.”  “I did it.”  “I couldn’t do it.”

Why did I keep striving for my ideal state of zazen even after realizing the futility of it all and even after having the fact of what is real shown to me with “pan!”? The cause was a very powerful (but mistaken) belief that I had to achieve some kind of state in order to enlighten. I thought that because I did not known zazen, I needed to learn it, understand it, and then become able to do it.  

Another reason was that I hadn’t understood the connection between the fact of what is real (pan!) and zazen. Zazen is the fact of what is real while sitting. If there is pan! when sitting, then pan! = zazen.

I don’t want people who read my website or come to zazenkai to do fruitless things like I did, so I try to give clear explanations and avoid misunderstanding. And as for the crucial point of making sure your zazen is truly zazen, do not try to conceptually grasp what is real (Truth). It is something that you must confirm for yourself and know directly. If you don’t, your chances of making wasted efforts like mine are high. With direct confirmation, futile efforts like mine will end.

In regard to correct Zen or zazen, please read “All About Zen” on our website, and you are always welcome to our online zazenkai to ask any questions you have.

Zazen isn’t a state of being

Before starting zazen, “Being,” “Consciousness,” “awareness,” and “Presence” were key words for me. I thought that understanding them and embodying them would bring me closer to enlightenment.

Even after starting zazen, I tried creating more states than I care to admit. “No-self” sounded like a state (it’s not). It took me a while to understand how enlightenment could be anything other than a state of being.

I really struggled, for example, with “just walking.” I wanted to make every moment count, so I asked Matsumoto-san about how to make sure the way I lived my life was also Zen practice. If zazen was “just sitting,” then I wanted to “just walk” while walking. But I couldn’t quite figure out what “just walking” meant.

Any time I was aware of my walking, I felt like I wasn’t “just walking.” I was thinking and walking. Or observing walking. How on earth could I “just walk”? I told Matsumoto-san how I tried looking about 30-50 meters ahead and fixing my eyes on something, and then “just walk” by allowing my body to walk without my interference. I hoped I was on to something, because it felt like my sense of self was less pronounced when I walked that way. I asked Matsumoto-san if this was close. His answer was an unequivocal, “no.”

I also asked him about “being present.” I explained how sometimes I was successfully being present while cleaning my apartment, while other times I’d forget, get lost in thought, and a few minutes would pass without “being present.” The confusing thing was, whenever I was “present,” there was a clear observer and object of observation (hence, separation). But when lost in thought while cleaning, it was only after noticing I’d stopped being present that there was a clear sense of self again.

Me: So which state is better for Zen practice?

Matsumoto-san:  Being lost in thought while cleaning.

Me: …But…but how can that be?

Matsumoto-san: Because it’s not about the “state.” There is no such thing as a state. See? {waves a towel}

Me: What do you mean there is no such thing? (placing no importance on Matsumoto-san waving the towel). I’ve experienced many states like…

Matsumoto-san: What’s your state now?

Me: (at a loss for words because I couldn’t immediately identify my state)

Matsumoto-san:  What is real? {waves towel}  Is this {waves towel} a state?

Me:  Umm…no…?

Matsumoto-san: Does 10 seconds ago exist now? Does even 1 second ago exist now?

Me: No

Matsumoto-san: So how can a state exist? It’s a mental construct. There’s no need to try to “be present.” This is what is important: {waves towel}

I still struggled. 

Me:  So what I think exists as my state of mind doesn’t actually exist? It’s a mental construct…an illusion? The towel is what is important?

Matsumoto-san: This is not a towel. “Towel” is a concept. This! {clap!}

That dokusan did not end my struggle, but I eventually realized I was totally concerned about the wrong thing. As long as I was judging my state of mind, or whether I was “just doing” or not, I was treating the illusion of a state like it was real. This means I was also totally neglecting what was actually real.

How ironic that I was working so hard to create an illusion when I wanted to be liberated from illusion, and my intention was to become clear on the very Truth I was neglecting.

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Love and Gassho _/\_